Motherhood, Identity, and Getting Older...

Mother’s Day and my birthday share the same week. I’m turning 35 and I feel like as a family we are on the precipice of change. Something I have been desperate for, basically for the last two years. What’s strange is the juxtaposition I’ve experienced being a mom. How I’ve wanted the next stage, freedom, a community, so badly yet that would also mean this current stage of my kiddos’ life is over. How can I want both things at the same time?

Identity is something I’ve been mulling over like a ball of clay in my hand. I keep grasping at water, more clay, anything to make this clump into something substantial, something familiar, but it keeps falling through my fingers because the pieces don’t seem to want to fuse together. I think because my roles are consistently changing. I got so used to putting my needs and wants on the back-burner (and having a terrible attitude about it) that when I have the space to explore them, it’s easy to feel lost. The things I thought I wanted have shifted now - if pursuing a personal endeavor means being away from my family for long periods of time, I don’t actually want it. Yet resolving to “being there” all the time feels like there’s something missing too. My drive. My goals. My career.

I wish I had an answer to this, but I have a feeling it’s going to take a generous amount of time and grace to find more of the balance I’m seeking.

While my husband’s dreams seem to be on the brink of reality, how do I fully support and cheer him on, while taking care of the needs of our family AND find room for my dreams too? At this point, it’s week by week, day by day; always searching for balance and truly learning that life is lived in seasons. As women, culture has taught us that we are constantly in a race against time and our youth. However, the reality of letting go of that lie and appreciating the good in each season, leads to fulfilling days, simply being present.

My good friends have a small sculpture in their house of a man climbing a wall. He leans back with his hand on the rope and his feet facing the sky. He never gets to the top, but he’s always climbing. Not questioning every step, but simply continuing to move forward. Because that’s all we can control really, is to put one foot in front of the other. Patience has never been my strong suit but I have a feeling if I lean back and trust that the rope will sustain me while I keep moving forward, I will find some of these answers eventually.

So, as we deal with the many forces pulling at us in every direction as a mom, a partner, a person… just know that these issues are not new, and most importantly, they are shared. You are not alone even though you may feel lonely, and you have purpose even when you can’t see it. I’m reminding myself of that day by day as well. Happy Mother’s Day today and every day for all you strong women out there doing their best to figure it out. I’m right there with ya.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments or hit me up on my socials!

Much love,

SG